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While the greatest athletes in the world swarm Brazil like mosquitos for this summer’s games, 有人会想,亲爱的, 被围困的里约热内卢将只是一个甜蜜的桑巴舞远离拯救. 尽管举办了有史以来最盛大的全球盛会, 这座“神奇的城市”和它的里约人仍然深陷争议之中, still 搜索ing their polluted skies for real heroes who can stand tall and tan and young and lovely like their Girl from Ipanema once did. 幸运的是,我想我找到了他们梦想的答案. There is one thing that will rise up like Cristo Redentor with his albatrossian soapstone arms outstretched over the Corcovado in exultation of all that is good and divine. One endeavor of the fittest will remind us of the true power of the human spirit, 在困难面前坚持不懈的勇气和决心. One showcase of sheer mastery will restore peace and bring balance to a planet that has all but come undone.


是的, 我们总是可以依靠广告, 尽管他们的道路上有很多障碍, to be clean and virtuous and wholesome…a restorative gulp of delicious fruit-flavored electrolytes that quenches our souls and gets us to find money we don’t have to buy things we don’t need. 所以为了向广告之神奥美致敬, Bogusky, 玫琳凯, 麦当劳, and their ilk–I offer this modest proposal inspired by the ancient plains of Olympia:

广告代理公司和营销公司将在一部史诗般的作品中走到一起, 四年一度的, 我们自己运动的狂欢场面. The 30-second DVR blur; the 140-character race to the bottom; the fumbled hashtag baton pass; the tiring and perspiring press release; the damaged collateral; all the pulsing, 像素化, 胜利的兴奋和失败的痛苦. Together, we’ll show the world that we are far more than mere Mad Men. 这可能需要一个村庄,但我们会让广告再次伟大.

的事件? 正是有史以来要求最高的设计. 的竞争对手? 正是有史以来最伟大的人.




We thought we were sm艺术er than the dinosaurs who gave us jobs right after we graduated from Outrageously Expensive School of Art and 设计. 所以我们穿上背心,开始自己创业. 我们的整个生计都被这个枷锁束缚住了, this unwieldy round anvil of a company that weighs on our shoulders like the stress of a thousand bright-eyed, 有胡子的, plaid-clad millennials counting on us to lift them from their career doldrums, 当他们涂鸦时,不停地向他们提供IPAs, let them telecommute from their sister’s friend’s houseboat on the Ganges, 并在401(k)计划上实现两位数的雇主匹配. We’re damn good pitchmen, so we’d heave this whole business into orbit if we could. 但我们喜欢旋转的艺术. 所以我们把铅球举到耳边,嘘,你听到了吗?那是海滨别墅的声音,再过几年就好了.


客户端-服务- 1000


我打赌五项全能中有三项你都不知道. 就像你不知道实际的预算是多少一样, 来执行完美的“褪色旋转”PowerPoint动画, or how to enter a hot-buttered rib-eye with demi-glace from Ruth’s Chris on an expense report. 激光射击、跳马、游泳和击剑. 如果这些费用都不能按每小时175美元计算,还有什么可以呢? So if you call us sometime and we don’t answer, it’s just because we’re out running and gunning. 字面上的. Like our boys Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff always meant to say, “Clients just don’t understand.”


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把logo做大? 猫叫. We’ll just put a sequin and a starburst on it and watch the leotards drag in Cannes Lions all day long. When you preen and prance around like we do, you deserve to take home all the hardware, AMIRIGHT!? Rhythm is a dancer, so our work has a panel of distinctive judges, no scoreboards here. Adore our bold portfolio of sparkly plumage, clubs, hoops, and balls. They call it “apparatus manipulation”; we call it poetry in motion. Adore our full-page, full-color, full-bleed, fully responsive creativity…艺术istry…nay, . 它带进你的意识并栖息在那里. 像癣. 等等,? 有人实际上应该“买”我们在这里“卖”的东西? 难道他们不知道这是 艺术? OMFG如何粗鲁的. 带我们回到那个用Helvetica旋转的梦.


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啊,找到一种更慢的方式到达终点的艺术已经消失了. Because if we can overthink this idea and encumber it with our Byzantine analysis of Big Data (pecking along with a gait that looks like a robotic nerdbird) rather than just getting it done on the run, 标志我们. 三角裤? 我们在这方面很有竞争力. That’s because we’re the people’s sport: the one that gives anyone who can put one foot in front of the other a fighting chance. 消费者们,团结起来——我们感受你们! Bob Costas once mocked that attempting to be the fastest walker “is like having a contest to see who can whisper loudest.“嗯, give us a blended quant and qual study with a 7-point Likert scale and some Quixotic Reliability and you’ll hear us roar. 害怕走路的书呆子!


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Put on your rubber noseclips and take a 博客 hit, fans, we’re about to get insane in the campaign. This is the team that gets all channels swimming like a pod of trained dolphins with Nielsen Portable 人 Meters on their dorsal fins. 打印, TV, 广播, video, 搜索, 新闻编辑, 博客, another idiotic social channel every day–you think it’s easy to do all this and still look like a waterlogged Radio City Rockette? 说到留下印象. The choreography behind making fans cheer is 12’ feet deep and as complex as a duet side fishtail with eggbeater kick, 尤其是当你被grp评判的时候, 订婚, 情绪, 和转发. You think you can do this soggy ballet with a goofy smile perpetually frozen on your face? You’re welcome to take a dive with our sodden reporters and over-chlorinated vendors anytime.


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Bump, set和Boom Beach (Android, 26版).当然,146)! 就这样,这是边线,露比还在轨道上. 它们在哪里? We couldn’t care less; we play outside and we’re bringing sexy syntax back. Good thing they don’t test for PHP, cuz lemme tell you, we are definitely juicing. Getting a mobile app to work for a client stuck in IE7–that’s like slogging 20 feet through sand in less than 12 parsecs to dig a 70mph jump serve. Skinny budgets, tight deadlines, and Agile as hell…no wonder we look this good in a bikini.


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我们现在真该去烧烤. 或者其他“团队建设”活动, humiliating the newbies by making them wear even less clothing than they wear to the office and competing with each other in other similar feats of global athletic prowess like burlap sack races, cornhole, 还有水气球大战. Call us the agency’s Rodney Dangerfield: we put every ounce of effort into crushing this thing out of the park, 我们得不到尊重. Just vapid, aimless, floating around complaining about PTO days, parking, and dental benefits. 这算什么,高中吗? Put your shuttlecock back in your pants and clean up your timesheets, you prima donna 创意人员.